The sun, is not free...

We went to the mall tonight and got dinner and on the way out we stopped at this kiosk that sells stuff that changes color in the sun. Cool! I thought so... but there's no price listings on anything... and I figured it couldn't cost that much...58 dollars later... I got one nail polish, 12.99, one keychain, 6.99, one necklace 18.99, it was 24.99 the merchant said, so he gave me a discount (ooh, a whole 6 bucks... 50 percent off my total purchase would have been better!!) and one set of hair accessories 15.99... on the bag you get, you can go to DELSOL.COM, So  I did. I took a minute to look around the site, and decided that I have been ripped off. I know you can open your own store, it says so on the site, and the merchant at the mall has to make a living, but, at least online you get free shipping on orders over 50 bucks...
                                                                   The moral of the story, buy online. It's cheaper.

Stuff I like (I'll add to this as time goes on)

Coffee
Frogs (mostly tree frogs)
pink and green
Dick Tracy (yes, I still like Dick Tracy, and all those old fashion cars in the movie too)
Camoflage
anything by Steinlen
Foo Dogs
Parisian Romance
Zen Japanese

SAD anyone?

Well today I am tired and I want to sleep all day and stay in bed, but I have a family to take care of... I should have cleaned the house by now, but I really dont feel like doing that. I think I probably have SAD, which I have noticed that I feel like this when its cloudy out (like it is right now.) And (I know, you shouldn't start a sentice with "and", but I don't care, it's my blog, I can do what I want..) I am certain that it's my weight gain causing my husbands lack of desire for me. So maybe when my diet and exercise program get here, that will all change..

Nobody wants me...

So I am trying to determine why it is that my husband doesn't want to have sex with me? This is husband number two, same problem, so yes, I am a little "mental" about the whole thing. If you marry one guy and he doesn't want sex with you, you think, he's an asshole, but you marry another guy years later and you have the same problem; well, then you think, he's an asshole too, but it has to be me! I'm the problem!! I am too fat, and neither one would tell me that's the problem! Instead, they think lying to you about it spares your feelings. Really?! O_o  You can't tell me that you wouldn't rather screw that Asian chick on your computer with the perfect body, than to have sex with your fat wife. So instead of telling me the truth, he looks at porno and gets drunk, and jerks off all day. So I really do think, it's me, not him, that's the problem. Don't ever tell me why you wonder why I take antidepressants and am currently on a waiting list for therapy.... You know, he tells me that he doesn't know why he doesn't want me, or that it's because I "nag" him about it... I'm sorry!!! BUT we haven't had sex for TWO weeks and I am just supposed to NOT CARE!!! I don't think so!! I have noticed that when I was skinnier, we had sex more, and now that I have had baby number two, yeah, not so much sex anymore... and it's not because of the baby... Sometimes I think killing myself would make him realize that I am serious about resolving this issue that we have in our marriage, but honestly, some parts of me thinks he really wouldn't care... and also, I really don't want to die, I would like to see my kids grow up amongst other things I have to live for... Some people might ask, why don't I get a divorce? Well, been there, done that. I CANNOT go through that again, it really would kill me. Besides, I really do love my husband, and aside from the drinking, porno and smoking (which in that order bother me from greatest to least) he is a good, sane man. I want to grow old with him and have a happy marriage, but frankly, he just doesn't understand that sex is important to me. It's one of the few times that I get to be alone with him all to myself, with him all over me, and him paying attention to me. It's more than just a physical need. I wish he understood, and I wished he cared and I wish that he would show me that he does... not just say what I want to hear. So I ordered an exercise program, and if after getting skinny, he still doesn't want me, then we need to see a sex therapist... but in the meantime, he should try to fix this issue and figure out why he doesn't want to have sex with me, and then he can tell me the truth, because lying to me hurts enough. I have tried to be okay with him and his porno, but his porn gets more attention in one day than I get from him in a year... and I am just so furious with him and upset and I don't know what else to do....

It's going to be a long day

So other than I wish I could skip today all together...I'm depressed and I wish my husband would give me some clue that says he cares...I really couldn't tell you when this all started but i definitely noticed it after I had my daughter. There are times I just get so mad at my husband that I seriously consider slitting my own wrists, not to kill myself, but more like a desperate attempt to get my husbands attention and take me seriously.(but then I might actually die and that's just too scary for me, so I will never have the conviction to go thru with it.which is fine with me, but geez you know, sometime you just get so upset about everything.)  I know he has his own issues too, but he never talks to me about any of it. All he ever wants to do is sit on his computer and ignore the world. I really wish he didn't have a computer on most days. Would it kill you to sit with your family and get off the computer and pay attention to us?!! And it doesn't matter what he says, I never truly believe him, when it comes to how I look and if he really does "want me" instead of all the skinny asian chicks on the internet and all the other beautiful women with the perfect bodies. I feel like sex is a chore for him, and he never comes to me, I always have to ask him for sex and if he's not too tired and such. And I really don't know if it's his meds thats killing his libido or if its me... I feel fat and ugly, rejected and unwanted by everyone all the time now. And yes, sex is a really big deal for me. It's the only thing I can relate to how much he really means what he says about wanting me. I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but for me, it is and I wish it wasn't but in the meantime of not getting any, it hurts to know my husband turns to his computer before he will turn to me. He doesn't ever want to do anything anymore and I feel like all his problems are my fault... not to mention I have my own depression issues and I am trying not to take it out on him, but I probably am... I just wish he would talk to me and do something to change the way things are, since I know he's not happy, and I would do anything to change that if I could...I love him and I know he loves me and I don't want to lose him.

after the wedding

So the wedding is over, it was good and i cried and i couldnt be happier but at the moment i am going to complain about some stuff that wasnt so great just to get it off my chest. first off, we ordered the invitations but forgot about the reception cards that said where the reception was and all those details...apparently our wedding planner did not remember either as she did not say anything about it when she mailed the invitaions... and we forgot to send out cards saying where we were registered as well...so we didnt get that many gifts but the few we did get we love. and then theres the fact that we spent all this money and had people rsvp for a reason and then only half of them showed up. i think we should bill those people who said they were coming and then didnt. and though the food was great i dont remember ordering roast beef. in fact, i know we didnt. so why did we get it? it showed up on our wedding day is all i know. i'll get back to you guys when i have that answer. and then we had lots of people telling us how rude our wedding planner was. really? i dont care. i could have stood for one or two certain people whom i feel had a legitemate complaint about that, i.e. my MIL, but as for everyone else- its our wedding day, we dont want to hear that!!!! let me go ruin your special day with complaints and see how you feel! other than that, it was great and i loved how beautiful it turned out because of our wedding planner. there is no way that we would have gotten any of this done without her. i dont care about how anyone else feels. and i am so grateful to my moh and my friends and family for being there. it helped a lot that i had the people i love with us on our day. i will post pictures or the links when we get them. we had them professionally done so its going to take some time. and a late HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister heidi; it was on the 12th.

Almost there

So our wedding is two and half months away and i keep thinking of all the stuff thats not done and i wonder how in the world it is that we can afford to pay for it. i have to order the bridesmaids shoes. yes, blue converse, but taking the laces out and putting in white ribbon. And then theres both flower girl dresses, my garter, and our cake. What am I forgetting people? I need a vacation from work and my wedding planning. and then i still have to take care of two bridesmaids dresses, its just getting there and getting it done... and I want to get my FH a wedding present, but what? and nobody had better suggest a baby; i want one with him eventually but not that soon. and now he is reading over my shoulder. ^_^ he laughed and walked off about that last line... lol we had our invitations ordered last friday, well, we went and saw the lady on friday and she put the order in on monday but i have to call her back and get the final details of payment. we have a wedding planner and she is fabulous but i have to ask her who pays for what here. i mean, i know that we pay for it all, but she has the money and i dont think it all goes to the vendors, i am hoping she has money set aside for some of the above mentioned things. and i still have yet to get any child support from my ex, he lost his job awhile back and he said that he had his income tax return garnished but i havent seen a penny. and he is supposed to come pick up my son soon for summer and we go back and pick him back up, but i usually use that money to go get him... so i am stressing over that; how to pay for a trip i have to take to pick up my son that has not happened yet... T_T not to mention trying to excercise and lose some weight for this wedding.... can't i just put the world on hold? actually i would prefer my ex just give up his parental rights as he has four kids, but i feel for my son. it would break his heart. anyways, its a wonder that people can deal with so much crap and not go crazy. i will go see the child support people next week and see about giving plasma, it pays, and we could use a little extra money.