november 8-9 2007

I hate today..its been one year since clair died. i miss her more than ever. and it does not help that my sister is in germany and i miss her too. i am just having a crappy day. more like a crappy night. i need to go to bed, but i am up typing because i cant get my mind to stop wandering. i emailed rasta, i need to call him... and several other people, but i am too tired to ever do it. why do people die? why do they leave when you are not ready? does God hear my thoughts about the dead? do the dead really hear the thoughts of the living? if so, then they know how much i miss them all.. i wish that they would at least come see me in my dreams and tell me its okay. i just dont want to lose anyone else. i am tired of crying. why does it have to hurt so much when someone you love dies? its just not fair. i dont know that i want to have a next life.. cant i just stay in heaven with the people i love forever? times like this i wish that God would be blunt and tell us things we want to know, but thats not how it works. we have to figure things out for ourselves or we will never really learn anything.