Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's going to be a long day

So other than I wish I could skip today all together...I'm depressed and I wish my husband would give me some clue that says he cares...I really couldn't tell you when this all started but i definitely noticed it after I had my daughter. There are times I just get so mad at my husband that I seriously consider slitting my own wrists, not to kill myself, but more like a desperate attempt to get my husbands attention and take me seriously.(but then I might actually die and that's just too scary for me, so I will never have the conviction to go thru with it.which is fine with me, but geez you know, sometime you just get so upset about everything.)  I know he has his own issues too, but he never talks to me about any of it. All he ever wants to do is sit on his computer and ignore the world. I really wish he didn't have a computer on most days. Would it kill you to sit with your family and get off the computer and pay attention to us?!! And it doesn't matter what he says, I never truly believe him, when it comes to how I look and if he really does "want me" instead of all the skinny asian chicks on the internet and all the other beautiful women with the perfect bodies. I feel like sex is a chore for him, and he never comes to me, I always have to ask him for sex and if he's not too tired and such. And I really don't know if it's his meds thats killing his libido or if its me... I feel fat and ugly, rejected and unwanted by everyone all the time now. And yes, sex is a really big deal for me. It's the only thing I can relate to how much he really means what he says about wanting me. I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but for me, it is and I wish it wasn't but in the meantime of not getting any, it hurts to know my husband turns to his computer before he will turn to me. He doesn't ever want to do anything anymore and I feel like all his problems are my fault... not to mention I have my own depression issues and I am trying not to take it out on him, but I probably am... I just wish he would talk to me and do something to change the way things are, since I know he's not happy, and I would do anything to change that if I could...I love him and I know he loves me and I don't want to lose him.

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